When we think of adoption, we often picture a beautiful story—one of love, new beginnings, and a child finding their forever home. But what if there’s more to the story? What if, beneath the surface, adoptees are carrying a trauma that few parents are ever prepared for?
In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with Beth Syverson, an adoptive mother whose journey took an unexpected and heartbreaking turn. Her son, Joey, struggled with chronic suicidality—something Beth never connected to his adoption until it was nearly too late.
The Reality of Adoption Trauma
"Adoptees are 36.7 times more likely to attempt suicide." That’s not just a statistic; it’s a wake-up call.
Beth shared how she once believed adoption was just a part of their story—something that happened but didn’t define them. But as Joey grew, his struggles became undeniable. What looked like a well-adjusted, compliant child was actually a deeply traumatized child masking his pain through people-pleasing and hyper-independence.
Understanding Relinquishment Trauma
From the moment of separation, an adoptee experiences a rupture—a loss that their nervous system registers as a threat to survival. Even if a child is adopted at birth, the removal from their biological mother creates a subconscious sense of abandonment. Beth never realized this connection until another adoptee told her to read The Primal Wound—a book that changed everything for her.
As I shared in the episode: Your nervous system doesn’t care if you were adopted at birth or six months—it still experiences loss.
Adoptive parents are often prepared for discussions around race, identity, and belonging—but what about attachment, trauma, and loss? Why aren’t more families told about this when they begin their adoption journey?
The Signs No One Talks About
Beth reflected on the early signs she missed:
✅ Hyperactivity, masking anxiety
✅ Extreme people-pleasing behavior
✅ Struggles with transitions and separation
✅ Deep emotional distress but no language to express it
What’s even more alarming? Many adoptees are misdiagnosed with ADHD, depression, or oppositional defiant disorder, when in reality, their behaviors stem from complex trauma. And when trauma is mistaken for a behavioral issue, the real wounds go unhealed.
How Can We Do Better?
Beth has dedicated her life to helping families wake up sooner than she did. She created the Healing the Adoption Constellation Database, a first-of-its-kind resource connecting adoptees, parents, and professionals to adoption-informed therapists, coaches, and healing practitioners.
If you are an adoptive parent—or know someone who is—here’s what you can do:
👉 Get educated. Read books like The Primal Wound and Adoption and Suicidality by Beth Syverson.
👉 Seek adoption-competent support. Many therapists aren’t trained in adoption trauma. Use Beth’s database to find the right help.
👉 Change the conversation. Stop telling adoptees they should be "grateful." Instead, give them space to explore their emotions and experiences.
Healing starts with awareness, honesty, and repair. And as Beth reminds us, "When you know better, you do better."
📖 Explore the Healing the Adoption Constellation Database: https://unravelingadoption.com/healing
📚 Read Adoption and Suicidality by Beth Syverson
If this conversation resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you or someone you know experienced adoption-related struggles? Let’s continue this important discussion. Drop a comment below or share this with someone who needs it. 💙
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